Daily Archives: November 24, 2009

I never knew I was under it, but it controlled me. I never even heard the words spoken, it was a spirit. It seduced me into making enemies with people who left the church that I really cared about. Even though I felt I was being pulled in the wrong direction, they were now enemies with my Pastor. I was confused; I didn’t know what had happened. I was just lead to believe they were on the wrong seat on the bus, didn’t support the vision, they were wrong, etc…..

I was under the “Can’t Talk Rule”. Have you ever heard of it? Most likely not, it’s usually unspoken. It is a kryptonite to your discernment system. In spiritually manipulative churches, leaders or pastors don’t usually come right out and tell you not to talk about concerns in the church or be friends those that leave. Does whom they deem to now be enemies with the Pastor. They are much more subtle.

They might hint at “the enemy” who incites people to gossip, or they may denounce weak Christians who whisper. They might emphasize grumbling and complaining as among the gravest of sins. They might compare those who raise issues to scoffers in Moses’ time, implying that if you dare mention a weakness of the church you are like the ungrateful Israelites that the good Moses ( read: church leader) had to put up with.

By whatever means available, abusive pastors will shut down discussion and prevent accountability for suspect practices. The unspoken “can’t talk” rule makes this easy. Anyone who dares raise an issue to the light of day will be shut down, preached against, shunned, mistreated or shamed, either by open means or subtle means.

Perhaps some have left the church, and you have suspicions about why. Maybe the pastor has preached something that doesn’t line up with scripture. Maybe someone has been kicked out of church or removed from a ministry. Perhaps these uncomfortable practices have been increasing. Maybe the finances are not open to public view; or business meetings are closed or nonexistent. Perhaps teachers or musicians have complained about mistreatment and you are not sure who to believe.

Those living under a “Can’t Talk Rule” know not to ask questions. They have been manipulated into remaining silent, even though their active conscience urges them to speak up. The reluctance to speak up is often disguised as virtue. You’re not a grumbler. You’re not a trouble maker. It’s someone else’s place to ask questions, not yours. You’re just a humble nobody. So the pastor or leader remains accountable to no one. He can do what he likes without opposition, no matter how questionable, unorthodox, ungodly — or in some cases, illegal.

If this describes the mechanism in place at your church, make sure to do a little research into spiritual abuse and see if other signs might not also be present in your group. The “Can’t Talk Rule” is an unspoken rule meant to stifle and hide anything that challenges the control of a leader or that has the potential to put a leader in a bad light. It is often the tip of the iceburg.